Life as I now know it

The day to day ins and outs of being a single mom, being a twenty something, and just living.

It amazes me how much of myself I seem to have lost since having my son. I feel so guilty talking about it but it really does haunt me. My body, my direction, my everything has changed since having him. The responsiblity almost suffocates me. And the loneliness is devastating.

His father, Nathan, left me the day I told him I was pregnant, I wouldn't have an abortion and he couldn't handle reality. It's been a long road for us. During my pregnancy and for the following year Nathan had a crippling cocaine addiction. I've never seen anything so scary. Don't get me wrong I was never a goody goody but I knew taking care of my family was defintely more important than blow. He was so far from reality back then... I begged and pleaded with him to stay above the surface. He was so bad off he didn't even know when he was lying and when he was telling the truth. He didn't know AJ's birthday or anything about him. He would come and go as he wished seeing the baby maybe every three weeks. When he would come to my door I would just break inside. He looked like a skeleton and would be shaking. And then he would wonder why AJ coudln't warm up to him and why I woudln't let him leave with AJ. It was miserable, I can't believe we made it though. He lost everything, his house, his girlfriend, his friends, and he almost lost us. Eventually I told his mom what was going on and she helped tremendously. She had thought he had an anxiety disorder and was possibly bi-polar, I think that would have been good news to her after she had found out the truth. He never actually admitted to her that he had a problem but he did ask her for help getting his life back on track. Finally, he kicked the habit, moved in with his mom, and enrolled in Community College. He spends some time with our son, AJ though not as much as I would like.

It is so hard being the only parent. Since the moment I found out that I was pregnant I feel like I've been alone. Not just alone like by myself, but alone where no one can identify with me no one can comfort me and there are walls miles high around my spirit that protects me from anyone coming in. I'm better than I used to be but I just feel so broken, so ruined. Emotionally I'm a complete distaster I can't trust anyone I'm apathetic and moody. Sexually I'm frustrated but can't even enjoy it if I can have it because I'm convinced it will end in pregnancy and abandonment. Socially, I feel inadequate, I only have a couple friends that have kids and most of my close friends do not. And professionally I just feel worthless. Before having AJ I was conivnced that I would gradutate from college, get a great job, land a georgeous husband and have the standard family. Boy was I ever wrong.

I do love AJ. I love him with all my heart. He is so smart, so kind, so loving, so inquisitive. He's wonderful. The best gift I've ever gotten. Sometimes though I feel so cheated and like there is no light at the end of the tunnel for us. Well, that's enough darkness for now.

posted by: stellaburkhart at July 06, 2005 16:30 | link | comments (7) |

Comments:

#1  06 July 2005 - 17:10

 

it's strange how life twists and turns, coming out as something entirely unexpected. I never expected to be where I am today, either - a divorced father with two kids. Sometimes the smallest of decisions we make have an impact for a lifetime. It's heady. And when in the darkness it's hard to not look back and feel regret for decisions made.

indigo4963

#2  07 July 2005 - 17:02

 

This is a great post, well-written. You are a survivor, and if you can do all this, I can't imagine that anything would keep you down.

Good luck with your job search, and keep thinking about college because you are definitely college material.

InMyLife

#3  07 July 2005 - 22:02

 

I can only speak to you from my experience. I was married, but just barely, when my son was born. We divorced by the time he was 3 yrs old. It was hard. When I was in the middle of it, it seemed so black and hopeless. It seemed like nothing would ever be the way I planned it and that I had no choices. My son is 17 now. I had to make a lot of sacrifices over the years. It was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I am on the other side of things now. Looking back, I see the whole thing with a different perspective. I lived some of those years with regret. At a certain point I decided regret was a useless emotion and I gave it up as much as possible. I can see now, how those years shaped me. How all of those experiences, good and bad, contributed to my character. How I changed and grew and learned.

I know this is of small comfort. I know that my sharing this does not change your situation. I am hopeful that it does let you know that you are not alone and that this is not a permanent state of being for you.

loosestring

#4  08 July 2005 - 02:51

 

I know it must seem hard at times. But you will find your way and the occasional thoughs about how things would have been different are nothing to feel guilty about. You are human with needs just as we all are. The up side is, you will find strength even when you don't see how. Mine is the opposite feelings of loneiness. I never had children, and now, I regret.

Caesura

#5  08 July 2005 - 03:10

 

I gave birth to two wonderful babies only to lose them in a custody battle and have no contact with them at all. Although you and I have different scenarios as mothers, I can relate to what you are saying. Listen, this too will pass. You will do all the things you wanted to do before and you will have all that you need when you need it. He is little now, they take up so much of you at this age. I'm 44 and I'm in my junior year of university. It hasn't been easy, but I'm doing it. I had to strip to get back on my feet after my divorce and losing my babies. I refuse to let anything stop me from my personal evolution. You won't either...I can tell. We all have feelings of inadequacy. They ebb like the tide. It's wonderful that you are brave enough to share them. You might find answers or food for thought here at mo'time. *hugs* You go sister!

alohalani

#6  08 July 2005 - 03:39

 

loosestrings has summed it up nicely

8

#7  22 August 2005 - 15:51

 

You can only do your best. All this will make you a stronger person... you will get through this and each subsequent hurdle you face, you will have more experience behind you to cope better.

Jackal

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